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2005-10-24 MEANGINGLESSS>bloggy... sorry 4 not updating everyday. I dunno.. everytime when i blog, it's bound 2 b smth sad... maybe it's bcos i need to tell someone so that i'll feel better. Thank God you are always here for me, bloggy... I found out tt my life is so meaningless. There is no goal, no nothing. Everytime i watch a drama, i feel so upset. Because the main actress's family always is a happy one. Just like "Wang zhi bian qing wa". Tian yu has a really happy family. Parents who can joke around wif her. Parents who show concern verbally and thru actions. She can share about her happy and sad moments wif her parents and her parents would laugh/cry along wif her... a brother who helps her. In this show, i've nv seen them quarrel b4. They are just a happy family. How i wish my family is in a drama. When we know we are being watched, we'll b becareful of what we do and say so we won't hurt anyone. I know you are going to say dramas are fake. It's just dramas after all. But it's my dream. To have a happy family. parents who can laugh,smile, cry along wif mi. Family whom i can share my sad and happy moments wif etc.. BUt i couldn't. something is stopping me. It's either their strict nagging or it's gotta be their ignorance towards me. If only i can tok to my family like how i tok 2 my frens. You may question, then what's the difference between family and frens then? Family is always there for you because all of us are under one roof. Frens don't. I thought they always say, family are always thr for you till de day they/you die. I dunno how true is that. I'm having sore throat... it's been for three days already. Everyday, i'd have a slight fever now and then. It'll go on and off. Feel so unwell. I hate school, bloggy. i really do. I hate the facilitators. I hate my classmates. Each time i look at my daily grade, i felt like scolding the facilitator. WHY!!!! FARKING HELL how i got a B WHEN I JUST strived so hard!!!!! Facilitator just dun grade you according to your effort. They dun guide. they are farking pushing you to study yourself. And they expect you to know everyhing within 3 hours. Just because i dun really tok much. just becos i dunno how 2 joke around wif my faci, i got B. i dread going to school, bloggy. each time i go school, i just pray for the lesson to end before it starts. I know you are going to scold me when i say this but i dun go studying only for myself, but for my family as well. Mostly, for family. I dun dare to hope much for future's job, so i dun dare to dream. So, i just know i have to study to get a good job. But mostly, my reason for going to school is my family. i want them to b proud of me. my results. my EVERYTHING! i want them to smile proudly like they do at my brother when he told them he got an A again. HOw i wish i could, bloggy. THis is driving me crazy. i kept getting B B B B B B B B B B, FARKING Bs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No one understand i feel. No one understand how badly i wanna please my family. I couldn't do anything right since kindergarden till now. i did nothing 2 made them proud of me. I remembered nothing about them smiling proudly at me b4. but i remembered them scolding me. "why couldn't you get at least an A?", "why chenghui can you cannot? you are express you know!" i would do anything 2 get an A. It's so difficult. I dun wish 2 ask too many questions in class cos i dun wish my classmates to hate me. So, i only shoot acouple of questions. But it's affecting my grades. but i got shoot so much when i present. Something is terribly wrong, bloggy. And i'm very sure... it's me. I'm getting so tired of my life. everything is so mundane, such a routine. It's just like rules. Smile when i see xiaohsin, sleep in bus when going plaza after sch wif xiaohsin, smile when you see facilitator, do work in school... I'm getting so tired... I know it's bad to have this thought.. pls dun blame me... but.. i'm wondering that is it because everything is a routine, so i am wif xiaohsin? Can someone tell me how does love feels like so as to confirm my feelings? i really dunno how to feel anymore.. i feel so numb. I feel nothing. In fact, i think i'm not appreciated. Each time i told xiaohsin 2 study hard and not to slack anymore, he wouldn't listen. I felt like his mother. Can someone tell mewhat to do? Xiaohsin and i kept quarreling over petty stuffs... stupidly petty... i dun think this is usual rite... what is wrong... I'm going to give up anytime now.. i know all of you will say that "aiyah, sure patch one lah.." what if i tell u... i'm doubting my feelings? i really dunno how does love feels like.. somehow... xiaohsin seem to be treating me as a fren. u take away de "names", de holding hands, you get a fren. So what is so special about love between gf and bf? All i see is reporting when you reach home, hold hands when walking.. what?! what's so special. When i help my mother wif something, she'd call me a filial daughter. When i dun cos i've other appointments, she would say i'm not a good girl. and she'll go on nagging... Why?!? why dun human sees from another person's point of view?!? I'm even afraid of making frens now... i dunno when will i quarrel wif my frens, i dunno when will i have petty arguments wif them... i'm so afraid of having arguments/quarrels wif my frens... i dun want to continue this quarreling life i am having.. i want a happy one.. like the drama... Dramas are fake... Love only exist in dramas. Humans are pathetic souls who have insufficient loves in their heart and so, they turned to drama and dream that their life would turn into a drama. a beautiful drama... or even a fairy tale.. cindrella?... Dramas always have their characters shaped so well. good looking characters wif good characters, with money, with everything.. EVERYTHING but in reality, no such person exist. If only a prince would appear and save me from my troubles... A family who everyone envies.. friends who always supports me... i could only dreams.. and everyone knows that.. out of 100000000000 million ppl, only 1 person's dream will come true. Ain't i speaking de truth?
~LiLi~
Name:Lau Li Li
Age:18+
Sex:Female
Schools:Fuhua Pri., Keming Pri.,Zhenghua Sec., Republic Polytechnic
Work:Part-Time Modelling & Actress, Tutor
Wants:Pursue my studies on Law and if possible, Full-time for my Part-time works
~Her Favorites~
1.Coconut juice *i simply can't do without it*
2.Greentea POLKA *The Alternate*
3.Chrysanthemum *The Second Alternate*
4.Instant noodles *The unresistable*
5.Beach *The Quiet Corner*
6.IT Security Management & Networking *Pls grant mi As*
--> MicroEconomics *Pls grant mi MORE As*
7.Sammi Chueng, Yang Qian Hua, Zhou Xing Chi, Daniel Wu, She Shi Man *The Must WATCH movies*
8.Home-Cooked Food *Foods which i'll nv get bored of*
9.'Can you keep a secret?', 'The Make Up Girl', 'The Undomestic Goddess', 'The Shopaholic' *Books i can't do without*
10.Reality Shows *The only times which i can see ppl make a fool out of themselves other than myself.*
~Loves~
1.My Family *The Never Ending Support*
2.My Buddies & Friends *The Never Ending Laughters*
3.My Hubby *The Never Ending Love,Care and quarrels*
4.Music *My Life*
5.Acting *Pastime*
6.Being Crazy *The only times which i am not angry*
7.Typing *The only thing i am fast in*
8.Singing *The only time your voice is louder than your parents's
9.Movies *Watch ppl nag,quarrel,trick etc at other ppl for once rather than i'm the victim every other times*
10.Sleeping *The only time i can rest*
~Loathes~
1.Angry ppl
2.Cruel ppl
3.Temperamental ppl
4.Stubborn ppl
5.Hypocrites
6.Attitude ppl
7.Tiko ppl
8.Bossy ppl
9.Lazy ppl
10.Papaya!
11.Backstabbers
~WishList~
1.Get As for results
2.Happy And Peaceful world
3.Friends to be happy
4.Happy Family
5.Happy Me
6.Happy Facilitators so i'll have good daily grades
7.Happy Hubby
8.Good establish career
9.Good future
10.Great Life
* Archives *
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Monday, August 09, 2004
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
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