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I guess it's just too late to redeem myself becos i'm seriously... God.. i dun even know how to say this...
I seriously going into another depression mood.
i dunno why. i wonder why. i dunno how the fark this happened. why of all times, now. fark.
Now, pessimistic thoughts just keep invading my mind like aliens. I feel so unwanted and upset at everything. seriously everyone everything, whatever.
I dun even have the strength or mood to go contact ppl anymore.
I just wanna go walk alone. i dun wanna see anyone i know. i dun wanna even tok. i dun even wanna on my phone. i dun wanna do ANYTHING.
i dun care if anyone hate me. Just go ahead and kill me if u wan cos i dun care.
I could not hold on to this stupid farking cheerful face on my face anymore. it's so difficult to maintain. I hate going around entertaining ppl. and i hate it more when ARGH! i wanna stop. i dun wanna say any hurtful things.. shut up, lili. shut up. ARGH! I CAN'T EVEN CONTROL MYSELF!!!
This hatred is burning to get out of my heart. This big hatred.
i feel like slapping anyone who comes near me.
i dunno what is care
i dunno what is love anymore
if i have a knife, i'd kill a stranger if i want to.
i can't even calm down. i can't even settle down my feelings. i can't help anyone anymore becos i dun even know FARKING what i can HELP! I FEEL SO FARKING HOPELESS!
i'm sorry but i have to type this out.
hiding your stuffs away from me isn't going to help the way i am feeling rite now. By updating your "buddy" and not me makes things worse for me. I can't take it anymore. I'd rather you tell me what is going on than keeping me in the dark till i read it out all from your blog. I can't stand this impact. u make mi think i'm seriously seriously nothing to you. i'm sorry if u feel hurt about this but i couldn't help bursting all this in my blog. I can't farking stand your "buddy" anymore. i didn't dare to say it in my blog last time, i dare do so now. Becos i dun care whether she is reading it now. She'd better know how i feel abt her. Well, she may jolly ponder why i am hating her to the core. it is not the way that you update her and not me becos it'd only be stupid to dislike her over this. It'd not be because u went out wif her or anything like that. Perhaps the answer lies in between you and her. ONly both of you knows why. I'm sorry i've offended you. but i'm tolerated for months and i dunno how else to tell how i feel. If both of you think that i'm just a plain cry baby or whatever simple thinker or something, go ahead. i dun hate you. i just dun like the way you make me feel. And i dunno how to help you anymore. In any case, u do not need my help anyway. U dun bother to tell me anything. I can't help and i dunno how to. My godbro once asked, "what i want in return for helping u." i said, "for you to be happy". But it've been so long. All i wanted for you is to be happy. But it seems like i'm not the one who is doing the helping but someone else beside u. Someone who've known you for years. Me? ha... i can count in one finger how many years i've known you. I dun blame anyone. of cos you'll trust that person more.
By keeping things away from me doesn't make me better. It doesn't make me happier. It doesn't makes me think you are happy. It doesn't makes me think that i am not hopeless. but by doing this to me, you aer making mi think that for someone who isn't by your side, she knows more than i do. For someone who given up on you, certainly has make more impact to your heart than me.
maybe u'd b crying when you read what i've said but that's what i wanna say. I've hid my feelings for long enuff. I'm sorry i've to jolly well ruined your mood just when S had left for KL. I know i became a burden to you after u've read this whole entry. I'm sorry for being ur burden but i dunno how to lighten it. ask that someone who isn't beside u.
I feel so deserted, bloggie. My heart hurts so much that i want to use a knife to stab it. I wanna use a knife to stab my eyes so i won't cry anymore. I feel so bitchy.
I hurt xiaohsin. I know you'd be reading this but i dun think we could be together anymore. It's not your fault. It's mine. it's me. I hope you'd stop pressing into our issue anymore becos it'd only make things worse. who knows i'd just kill u. or myself. U'll find someone better. ha. anyone could be better than me. If u wanna know the truth about our relationship, i could tell u. The first half of the year, it was a happy one.. thats becos i tolerated. i tolerated and tolerated and tolerated and tolerated. The second half of the year, i burst. Becos no matter how much i toked to you. no matter how much i talked about our relationship. No matter how much i thought of a solution to your relationship. You'd listen and let it ALL OUT of your mind as quick as lightning. I couldn't tolerate anymore. You can say.. the hatred is more than the love. That explains why i care and love you so much at one moment, and i can hate you the next moment. It's too late now becos we couldn't turn back time anymore. How we wished we could turn back time, remember? But no. we can't. And the hatred won't go. So i hope u'll get the idea to move on without me. i'm a bitch, you see. no matter how much you deny the fact that i AM a bitch, it'd still be a FACT. it is there.
Good effort, lili. u just make three people hate u more. Three rings to the bitchy lili.
Name:Lau Li Li
Age:18+
Sex:Female
Schools:Fuhua Pri., Keming Pri.,Zhenghua Sec., Republic Polytechnic
Work:Part-Time Modelling & Actress, Tutor
Wants:Pursue my studies on Law and if possible, Full-time for my Part-time works 1.Coconut juice *i simply can't do without it* 2.Greentea POLKA *The Alternate* 3.Chrysanthemum *The Second Alternate* 4.Instant noodles *The unresistable* 5.Beach *The Quiet Corner* 6.IT Security Management & Networking *Pls grant mi As* --> MicroEconomics *Pls grant mi MORE As* 7.Sammi Chueng, Yang Qian Hua, Zhou Xing Chi, Daniel Wu, She Shi Man *The Must WATCH movies* 8.Home-Cooked Food *Foods which i'll nv get bored of* 9.'Can you keep a secret?', 'The Make Up Girl', 'The Undomestic Goddess', 'The Shopaholic' *Books i can't do without* 10.Reality Shows *The only times which i can see ppl make a fool out of themselves other than myself.* 1.My Family *The Never Ending Support* 2.My Buddies & Friends *The Never Ending Laughters* 3.My Hubby *The Never Ending Love,Care and quarrels* 4.Music *My Life* 5.Acting *Pastime* 6.Being Crazy *The only times which i am not angry* 7.Typing *The only thing i am fast in* 8.Singing *The only time your voice is louder than your parents's 9.Movies *Watch ppl nag,quarrel,trick etc at other ppl for once rather than i'm the victim every other times* 10.Sleeping *The only time i can rest* 1.Angry ppl 2.Cruel ppl 3.Temperamental ppl 4.Stubborn ppl 5.Hypocrites 6.Attitude ppl 7.Tiko ppl 8.Bossy ppl 9.Lazy ppl 10.Papaya! 11.Backstabbers 1.Get As for results 2.Happy And Peaceful world 3.Friends to be happy 4.Happy Family 5.Happy Me 6.Happy Facilitators so i'll have good daily grades 7.Happy Hubby 8.Good establish career 9.Good future 10.Great Life
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