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Just finished playing games and now... beginning to feel depress again. But i'm fine, really. ^^
Actually, i was fine till he msged mi. I felt so sick in the stomach. I dunno y. Guilty, angry and upset. He makes me have a mixture of feelings everytime we meet. Now, even upon receiving his msg, i feel so upset. i'm so confused now. He said he is changing his phone.. actually, it's my phone. and he asked if i wanted it back. I told him, "no, throw it away." i've come upon to a conclusion which our relationship is beyond the possibility of saving it. I didn't expect him to not use my phone anymore... i know it may seem nothing much to all of u... but.. hais... that phone has so much memories.. i felt a stab in my heart and i cannot hold it back any longer. But in replying him 2 throw it away, i meant something else. I meant throwing away the relationship. I can't hold everything in my heart anymore, bloggy, it's making mi very very sick. i can't go around pretending i dun like him. i can't go around pretending i hate him to de core. i can't go around pretending i can live without him. You are right, i can, but it's so farking difficult. I'm too used to having him around. I went yio chu kang today, i took the mrt wif radz, i told her about mi and his jokes in the mrt. U know harvest moon? i played it in my lap top and when you press the space button, the character will move and talk faster. The other time, he was talking, subconsciously, my hand just moved and try to press the space button in mid air. he was looking at me puzzedly and i was laughing very hard. He asked mi what was i trying 2 do. and i said, "u talk very slow lehs, dear. i wan u to speak faster." hahahaha~ damn farnie lohs that time. Den i laughed too hard that i didn't realize we were on a new train. Meaning the plastic wall that we can lean on is much further than it was previously at. So i leaned on "air" and almost fell down. It's damn hilarious lohs.
But it's all in the past.
I can't help crying... i must control my tears. since he already decided to not use the hp anymore, i shall b more strong and no think about him anymore. Anyway, i shd b happy for him that he'd moved on, am i rite? yes. i am right, of cos. LiLi, dun b such an idiot, can. u asked ppl 2 move on and yet u are the one standing still crying. damn stupid lehs u. u nothing better to do huh. Why u keep pretending to b someone you are not, triple L. dumb ger. u are soft in the inside and yet u act hero. very nice to act issit. why can't u just b urself!!! why must u act so tough and tell your frens that he is NOTHING to you anymore!?!? you know that isn't true and good for you.. now ppl think that you are a bitch. *clap clap*
I'm used to it anyway. I've always been the bitch and he'd always been the mr. nice guy. I'm the one who is always creating trouble while he is the peace maker. I'm the one who is unreasonable while he is the one MOST reasonable. yea, i know, that's what all of you think. he is the mr. calm land guy while i am the volcano which erupt everyday, am i rite? my mom says, "u treat him so cruel, u dun wanna listen to his phone or even reply him. aiyoh..." but what the FARKING hell can i do?!?!?! Answer his phone and cry?!?! answer his phone and quarrel!??! reply him in rude msges?!?!
I dunno why, bloggy. Of all ppl, i have to keep quarrelling wif him. OF ALL PPL. Why is the heaven making it so hard for me to live my life? Just in the point of time, i feel that i am the happiest ger in this world, this heaven have to take it away from me. Heaven is making mi feel angry, guilty and sad at the same time while the surrounding ppl kept saying i'm a stubborn and strong ger. Just how strong am i? What's the use of being strong? I'm strong and yet ppl say i'm cruel. If i'm weak, ppl'd say i'm dumb and that i'm desperate. If i'm stubborn, ppl'd say i'm unreasonable. If i am not stubborn, ppl'd say i am too easygoing. then what the hell they wan mi to do!?!? why on earth everytime i do something, SOMEBODY has something BAD to say about me?!!
He seriously make mi feel so bitchy. But without him, i seriously feel so so so so so so so so so upset. though i tried not to think about it by feeling my life with my part time job and considering taking lessons outside, i still think about him from time to time. I used to count how many places i went wif him in singapore. We almost covered the whole singapore and i am not kidding.
He made mi feel that i'm unfilial to my parents. he made mi feel so unreasonable. he made me feel so stressful. he made me feel so agitated. he made mi feel so horrible. he made mi feel so hot tempered. he made mi feel that i'm stubborn. just what is happening.. can anyone tell mi what is happening?
but without him, i feel so empty. though i have my frens, yes. but when i'm alone, all our memories flood back in my visions again. why do i have to feel this way? How can i help myself? like my godbro says, play game?!? how to play game when he used to b de one playing wif me?!?!?!
i have to calm down.
relax, lili.
everything is ok. Come on, u are still alive aren't you. dun b so dumb can. he is what?!? he is nothing lohs. he can move on, so why can't you!?!? what are you going to do?! split your personality into half? the bad one remain single while the good personality go patch back wif him? there's nothing you can do, lili. U can't patch wif him becos u know nothing good will come out of it. both of you are going to go back to your quarrelling days again. Is that good for him? is that good for you? No. So, dun b so desperate can, and live back your own single life when u loved ernest. God.. ernest. Ernest is another heartache brought into my heart. The pain in the past still refuse to leave. But yet.. the one who is always quarrelling wif mi brought the most pain. Why.. why when i felt that i am at the top of the world, God have to take away someone from me?!?! No, the worse is..
heaven made me chase away someone i loved with my own mouth, my own hands, my own legs, in fact, my whole body! i was the one who mentioned break up. i was the one who did EVERYTHING! i'm practically a MURDER! I know i love him deep inside.. but.. something just keep chasing him away!!! i dunno what but it is KILLING ME!!!
no matter what.. i have to let him go.. calm down, lili. I rather u die than go into another depression.... u wan the ppl around u to b worried abt u issit... dun b dumb ok. u still have your family, your friends, u can't go into another depression state. i mean, what good would it do even if u jump down from the building?
LiLi: i would at least feel no pain. I would not have this separate personality. i hate myself, heaven. i just hate myself damn much. i hate myself that i really wanna kill myself.
dun b stupid ok. so many ppl needs u.
LiLi: like bloody WHO! my family'd b better without me. I'm de one who starts all the family fights. and now... THIS! the person whom i trust so much, de person who i looked up to so much, the person who i respect so much did THIS! i feel so stuck between. i dunno whether to tell de truth or just keep quiet! either way, it is hurting someone ELSE! but i can't bear to hurt that someone cos i love her so much! But seeing all those stuffs happening around me makes me feel so angry! i can't pretend nothing is wrong cos SOMETHING IS WRONG! I can't pretend to feel so calm cos i'm PANICKING inside!!!my friends?!?! My friends have PLENTY of frens. Like if they lose me, they'd lose their life too.
Do u even know what are you saying?!?! you are hurting ppl here, lili. dun b dumb can.
LiLi: like WHAT can i do!?!??! i've been hurting so badly since the beginning of the year! in fact, LAST YEAR! the darkness is swallowing my heart up and then spitting it out again. I dun wanna have this feeling! i dun like to b stuck between happy and sad! i HATE IT!
This is life.
liLi: that's why i HATE LIFE!
U shd b contented wif what you have, lili. not everyone is as fortunate as you.
LiLi: you are right. SO TEACH MI TO B CONTENTED! WHAT!! i wanna b CONTENTED too!!! but my HEART DUN ALLOW ME TO! just take away my heart can.
Name:Lau Li Li
Age:18+
Sex:Female
Schools:Fuhua Pri., Keming Pri.,Zhenghua Sec., Republic Polytechnic
Work:Part-Time Modelling & Actress, Tutor
Wants:Pursue my studies on Law and if possible, Full-time for my Part-time works 1.Coconut juice *i simply can't do without it* 2.Greentea POLKA *The Alternate* 3.Chrysanthemum *The Second Alternate* 4.Instant noodles *The unresistable* 5.Beach *The Quiet Corner* 6.IT Security Management & Networking *Pls grant mi As* --> MicroEconomics *Pls grant mi MORE As* 7.Sammi Chueng, Yang Qian Hua, Zhou Xing Chi, Daniel Wu, She Shi Man *The Must WATCH movies* 8.Home-Cooked Food *Foods which i'll nv get bored of* 9.'Can you keep a secret?', 'The Make Up Girl', 'The Undomestic Goddess', 'The Shopaholic' *Books i can't do without* 10.Reality Shows *The only times which i can see ppl make a fool out of themselves other than myself.* 1.My Family *The Never Ending Support* 2.My Buddies & Friends *The Never Ending Laughters* 3.My Hubby *The Never Ending Love,Care and quarrels* 4.Music *My Life* 5.Acting *Pastime* 6.Being Crazy *The only times which i am not angry* 7.Typing *The only thing i am fast in* 8.Singing *The only time your voice is louder than your parents's 9.Movies *Watch ppl nag,quarrel,trick etc at other ppl for once rather than i'm the victim every other times* 10.Sleeping *The only time i can rest* 1.Angry ppl 2.Cruel ppl 3.Temperamental ppl 4.Stubborn ppl 5.Hypocrites 6.Attitude ppl 7.Tiko ppl 8.Bossy ppl 9.Lazy ppl 10.Papaya! 11.Backstabbers 1.Get As for results 2.Happy And Peaceful world 3.Friends to be happy 4.Happy Family 5.Happy Me 6.Happy Facilitators so i'll have good daily grades 7.Happy Hubby 8.Good establish career 9.Good future 10.Great Life
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